How Trauma Responses Make Receiving Feel Unsafe
Understanding survival strategies, safety, and self-protection
You know that moment in movies when the hero finally escapes the tower, breaks free from the spell, or gets the keys to their own life?
The music swells. Credits roll. Happy ending.
Except real life forgot to send the memo about what comes next. Because here’s the reality: freedom can feel terrifying when you’ve spent years inside a cage that kept you safe.
When Survival Strategies Outlive Their Purpose
Maybe you’ve been the “responsible one” in your relationships. The fixer. The person who can read a room like a professional mood detective and knows exactly how to adjust your behavior accordingly.
Over time, you’ve mastered certain skills: smiling when you want to scream, giving advice when you need a hug, making yourself smaller so others feel bigger, saying “I’m fine” with Oscar-worthy conviction. And here’s what matters: this wasn’t weakness. This was survival.
Your emotional cage wasn’t built out of neurosis. It was engineered by a brilliant nervous system that kept you safe when the world felt unpredictable. These patterns served you well for a long time. But here’s the thing about survival mode: it’s fantastic for surviving. Not so great for thriving.
Why Safety Can Feel Suspicious
Fast forward through all your healing work. The therapy sessions, the journaling, the breakthrough moments that made you feel like you were finally getting somewhere. You’ve done the work, and the door to your cage swings open.
And instead of running toward the sunset, part of you thinks: “This feels like a trap.”
Welcome to the freedom paradox. When you’ve spent years expecting the other shoe to drop, good things can feel like elaborate pranks the universe is playing on you. Compliments sound like lies. Opportunities feel suspicious. Love arrives and you immediately start looking for the exit strategy.
It’s not that you don’t want these things. You do, desperately. But your nervous system is basically that friend who checks every restaurant review seventeen times before making a reservation.
Why Receiving Feels So Hard
Here’s what I wish someone had told me: receiving isn’t natural. It’s learned. And if you learned early that love was conditional, that you had to earn your place at the table, or that your needs were “too much,” then receiving feels like speaking a foreign language.
But here’s the good news: you can learn this language. You just need better practice methods than “force yourself to accept compliments and hope for the best.”
The Small Steps That Actually Work:
Instead of diving into the deep end of vulnerability, try these tools when receiving feels hard:
1. The Pause-and-Breathe Method: When opportunity arises, stop. Take three deep breaths. Let your body speak before your fear does.
2. The “Best Friend” Check-In: If your best friend had this opportunity, what would you say? “You’ve got this. You deserve this.” Offer yourself the same compassion.
3. The Evidence List: Keep a list on your phone or in your journal of the moments you stepped outside your cage and it went well. Facts fight fear.
4. The 10% Rule: If full expansion feels like too much, ask: What’s 10% more than I’ve allowed before? Healing doesn’t require giant leaps.
How the Nervous System Adapts to Safety
The most radical thing you can do right now is stop treating your caution like a character flaw.
There is nothing wrong with you. You’re a human being whose nervous system learned to scan for danger because danger was real. You’re not “afraid of success.” You’re learning to trust that good things can stay good without you having to manage them into existence.
This isn’t a bug in your system. It’s your system adjusting.
Learning to Expand Safely
The beautiful truth is this: you don’t have to choose between safety and expansion. You can move slowly. You can keep one foot on familiar ground while you test the other. You can feel scared and excited simultaneously. You can receive good things and still check the exits.
Your nervous system is learning that safety no longer requires constant vigilance. That process doesn’t need to be rushed. Sometimes the most revolutionary thing you can do is let yourself enjoy a simple Tuesday.
You’re Allowed to Want More
You are allowed to:
Want things without needing to justify your worth
Take up space without apologizing for existing
Receive care without immediately trying to earn it
Experience joy without preparing for it to disappear
Be seen without performing or managing how you’re perceived
Rest without attaching productivity to your value
Learning to receive is about teaching your nervous system that safety no longer requires constant self-protection.
And that process looks different for everyone. For some, it’s subtle and quiet. For others, it’s bold and life-altering. What matters isn’t how it looks. What matters is that it’s aligned with who you are now, not who you had to be to survive.
Ready to explore your relationship with receiving? I work with perfectionists and people-pleasers to identify and heal the childhood trauma responses that keep them stuck in survival mode. Together, we can support your nervous system in building safety, trust, and the capacity to receive.
Book a free consultation to learn more about how trauma-informed therapy can support your healing journey.
